So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
