Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
