Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
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