my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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