Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
