I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
