That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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