jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
40s are totally the cure
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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