Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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