You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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