I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
