You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
