just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
