i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
