I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
