I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
