Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
