I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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