She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
