Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
