I miss vodka workout Fridays
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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