it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
