Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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