i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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