i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
