Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
