i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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