rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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