My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
