Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
