I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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