so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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