my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
