shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
