Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
