You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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