my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
