i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
