we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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