there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
