You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
