yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
