apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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