I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
