When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
