Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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