and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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