She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
