I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
