No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
